Nowadays, horoscopes have become very popular. They are financial, loving, serious, and also humorous. It is today that we want to cheer you up by bringing to your attention a humorous horoscope about men. Let’s take a closer look at the representatives of the 12 signs of the Zodiac and find out the whole truth about them!
Aries men horoscope
A ram – he is a ram. Always right. It’s easier to kill right away than to start arguing with him because it is possible to outguess Aries only in one case – if he is armless, deaf-blind, and legless disabled (and then, there is a huge chance that even in this case he will still show you his tongue).
But Aries is honest. Sometimes they are so honest that it even reduces their teeth: they will answer with the utmost honesty if a haircut does not suit you or the dress is full. There is nothing you can do about it, you will have to put up with it (or kill, as mentioned above). In domestic affairs, Aries, as a rule, is useless – he can only generate brilliant ideas, and he tries not to defile the soles with the ashes of being.
However, if you let Aries know that Sagittarius washes the floors better than him, he will lay down with bones, but every Saturday he will rosin your parquet because there is nothing in the world that Aries would yield to Sagittarius. It is never boring with Aries – this sign has some kind of karmic talent to seek adventure on its beautiful head.
He knows how to make money easily and quickly, but he hates the loot as a proud and principled type, so he tries to get rid of it instantly. At the same time, he always has some kind of stash, which is much more decent to have a Virgo. Because of the impenetrable sloppiness, he forgets about the stash, which is very helpful to the heart friend of Aries, especially if this friend is Gemini.
Taurus is one of the crowns of nature and I have nothing more to say about this sign. Even more stubborn than Aries, but does not have his charming careless slovenliness.
Pushkin, who can lovingly store any unnecessary junk in the house for centuries, is very surprised when they try to put all these broken transistor receivers, ball bearings, rags, waste paper, and other crap in the trash.
He is constant in his attachments, including to the opposite sex, which is why he is unhappy in love, alas. Suspicious to the point of a nervous breakdown, jealous like Othello, and not an innovator at all, so at first glance, it may seem like a dull eccentric.
Secret pervert. Distrustful of new people, but for old friends, he will tear the last calico shirt on his chest. But why do friends have a torn shirt – in principle, he is not capable of thinking. An altruist, although he constantly gets punched in the face for it.
Gemini men horoscope
Gemini is very cool if he is one, and quite a paragraph if there are at least two of them. They can trinket without stopping for at least three days and never repeat, which is generally cool, but sometimes tiring.
Gemini is usually envied by everyone, because he is a reaper, a reader, and a player on the pipe, in other words, there is a plug in every barrel. But no one realizes how difficult it is for Gemini to survive and choose in this huge world of possibilities – it always seems to them that life is passing by, even if he is up to his neck in shit in events. He likes to eat and receive new information – best of all at the same time.
For this, he is reputed to be a strange subject, although he simply saves time. Phenomenally lazy, ninety percent of his hectic activity unfolds only to be finally left behind and left alone.
Vasya makes an impression in general, although he is not a fool, he can read, in between slovenliness, Kant and Kierkegaard (reading often still accompanies idiotic laughter and interjections like “you”, which looks very nice because Kierkegaard’s humor can find only Gemini).
Sentimental, believes in romance, although he constantly denies it and demonstratively bares his teeth at those who talk about it.
In love, he is usually unhappy (one wants to say – because he believes in romance), because only Aries can endure the extravaganzas of idiotic fun and cheerful idiocy constantly arranged by Gemini.
I’m afraid to seem biased, but there is no sign worse than Cancer, at least for me. Cancer is a suspicious monster, constantly annoying with all the questions. He tends to constantly imagine the end of the world, frightened by his imagination, falls into hysterics, and resorts to the Virgin for consolation.
Disgusted like a bastard, on a desert island, he will surely die of hunger, because he is physically unable to gobble up a product that is not wrapped in polyethylene, but lying, say, under a palm tree.
Lives somehow without a spark. However, if he wants to, he can give heat, but then he will devour himself for trying so hard, in general, in vain. Cancer women are just those who watch porn with the hope that in the end everyone will certainly get married.
They like to talk long and gloomy about their sores and other life failures, which scare everyone away from themselves, except for Taurus – they are even more boring in matters relating to their own body. Faithful, because they are afraid of chlamydia and trichomoniasis. They are prone to drunkenness and philosophy, both of which are usually not brought to good Cancers.
Horoscope about men Leo
People are divided into two classes – the retinue, which is allowed to the body, and lackeys, on which claws and teeth are sharpened. An egoist, of course, but you forgive Leo for his holy and unshakable, sorry, unshakable faith in his charisma.
A lover of flattery, with the help of it, anything can be pulled out of Leo. Magnanimous and not a fool to laugh at himself. Everyone else should refrain from mocking Leo if there is no desire to spend the remaining hours of painful existence in intensive care.
Rude, but elegant. He can trample anyone up to his ears into the ground, which sometimes he does out of pure curiosity and a childish irresistible desire to “gaze”. Barin in everything.
The partner unambiguously makes it clear how awesome happiness came to him in the form of a Leo and requires appropriate treatment. Do not mind if in everyday life his name is simply the Almighty.
True, however, a friend, loves to give expensive and valuable gifts, so that everyone is once again imbued with his generosity. He loves to eat, sleep and talk, which is why he often makes friends with Gemini. Unbearable in large quantities if you are Virgo, Cancer, or Pisces.
Horoscope about Virgo men
What can be said about the sign, when dry science has already said everything for me? Virgo is the most cruel sign of the zodiac. According to international statistics, most psychopathic maniacs grow just from Virgo. This maiden can smile affectionately at you, and in her head draw an intoxicating picture of your intestines tied to a chandelier.
I’ll give you a secret – all the little Virgos in their childhood plan to become the Black Lords of the Planet, and when they grow up and understand, they become just heartless and monstrous and poison the existence with their pedantry and love for law and order (and the roots, of course, from childhood desires to eat the Universe) literally to everyone lucky to live with Virgo on the same territory.
The Virgo wife is the woman who makes your bed when you get up at three in the morning to go to the toilet. The Virgo man is the scariest math teacher you can imagine. Control freaks, of course. Everything must be in order.
He does not explain the reasons for his actions to anyone, the reason for this is, again, a megalomania taken from childhood. However, it can also go to the other extreme – not to put yourself in a penny and, in general, every day pretend to be a victim and a lamb, which gets those around you to the point of being terrible.
In general, by the way, she likes to play on the nerves of loved ones and start to suffer in public, and, the reptile, usually believes in her suffering, which causes her to get sick and wither away. It is useful in everyday life because it knows and can do a lot of all sorts of tricks. In general, you can live with it if you abstract yourself and remove weapons from the house.
Horoscope about Libra men
In short, an esthete. Seven Fridays a week – and there too: Picasso, Gauguins, oh holy art, and he won’t guess to take out the trash cans with him. Not before. Throughout his conscious life, he has been rushing about in search of a bright idea, so he does not find time to learn how to clean or sew on buttons.
He likes to dress up, and he will get everyone around him, to choose between the one with mother-of-pearl buttons and the one with silk stitching. In general, he is still a friend.
He is chasing peace of mind, which, in principle, is unattainable for Libra, because a callous nature always outweighs highly spiritual ideals. Like all indecisive eccentrics, he often suffers from nervous diseases like gastritis. Not vicious.
He is inclined to lend a shoulder, and he does it solely out of masochistic love for humanity, and not to get something. It usually looks gentle and sad and arouses a dangerous desire to caress and take under the wing, which you should not do in any case, because Libra’s brain can compose better than all other signs combined. Is in constant dissonance between reality and the desired, because of sucker.
Terrorist. When there is no one to get, he starts to get himself. Constantly gushing out with all sorts of crazy ideas, narcissistic to the point of losing his pulse, all day long he is ready to stare in the mirror at his reflection and state with a touching smile that there is definitely no more beautiful in the world.
Hysterical, and not even shy to flaunt it. In life, he is only interested in himself, at least in people who are interested in him. Good-natured, if you do not try to borrow dough from him.
By the way, he loves money almost as much as he loves himself and knows how to earn it. Secretive, that there are no forces, to get out of Scorpio the information that he does not want to disclose is almost as difficult as marrying a fifty-year-old ugly woman.
Two-faced, constantly torn between high ideals and the desire to make someone a bastard. In the desire and ability to break through the wall with his forehead, he can only be compared with Aries, he often chooses the same stupid goals but does not back down from the principle.
He stoically endures all the nonsense that constantly happens to him, because he knows he deserves it. In general, it gives the impression of a terrible, loud, formidable beast, but in the soul a true jerboa.
Sagittarius is another zodiac weirdo. The personal opinion of Sagittarius is bound to become the ultimate truth for everyone who happens to be nearby.
He expresses it willingly, often, and even when he is strongly advised not to do this, and in general they threaten to smash his face for this. He is sincerely perplexed if he is offended by this. In general, Sagittarius is a very lucky sign in life, which somewhat compensates for the constant lack of dough.
Sagittarius, despite the tendency to accusatory verbal diarrhea, usually has many friends who feed and warm him, wretched. And all because he deftly knows how to pretend to be a pussy, especially when his mouth is occupied with grub.
The main drawback is that he can’t shut up in any way, telling everyone the truth about everyone, therefore he can say too much, for which, again, he often gets beaten. Prone to all forms of drug addiction, as well as religious fanaticism, which is essentially the same thing. Kind, but you won’t understand it right away.
Horoscope about Capricorn men
At first glance – a sad sign. Capricorn’s motto is this: no matter how bad I feel today, tomorrow will probably be even worse. He disguises himself as a cheerful person, so as not to rake for a gloomy expression on his face, but still rakes.
Happiness Capricorn comprehends in only one way – it works like a damned one. An idle Capricorn is a dead Capricorn. If he is deprived of the opportunity to work, he will still invent a bunch of strange activities for himself, because without work, Capricorn cannot achieve Zen, and Capricorn, not reaching Zen, is Cancer. Do you need it?
At first, it seems meek and even tame, but at the first opportunity, it will hit you with its clumsy horns, it will do it with special pleasure if you are Gemini or Leo – it cannot stand these signs for playfulness inappropriate to the status. Dodgy. Stingy, but not always. Feels best in an embrace with a money bag.
He likes to joke, and he can’t stop even when the situation is heating up, but he does it so skillfully that he is stunned when he gets away with it.
In general, not a dirty trick, although it looks like it. In choosing partners, he is guided mainly by common sense and calculation, therefore, in family life, a dog is happy like no one else.
Special signs – everyone, well, absolutely every bastard, likes it like the notorious chervonets. In terms of joking, it is a worthy competitor to the Gemini, to communicate, even in an unfamiliar company, it is torn like a long-distance sailor in the red light district.
It always looks slightly collapsed from oak, and this is what fascinates me. A light veil of extravagance gives Aquarius an inexplicable charm that attracts stupid enthusiastic fans to them.
Even if everything goes wrong in the life of Aquarius, he manages to give out advice to others that work. With all the visible and tangible fluffiness and attractiveness, he is potentially a great criminal. Always a swindler, even if only in dreams.
There is no Aquarius without criminality in the dark past, the law breaks completely without remorse and even, I’m not afraid of this word, with pleasure. At the same time, he understands perfectly, unlike the same Gemini, that he acts non-kosher, but ignores it. Outwardly, they look like a cross between the Mad Hatter and Marilyn Monroe.
Pisces men horoscope
There are two types of fish: fiends stunned by their unscrupulousness and faithful, truly kind, with unshakable morality angels. Moreover, vile Pisces, as a rule, are forgiven everything in life, while the angel-like Martyr Fish irritate the townsfolk with unattainable holiness.
They can walk terribly, and it is more difficult to catch a Fish in treason or make her confess it than to see a living dinosaur. Until the last, you will look into her honest eyes full of tears and believe, believe.
Soulless representatives of the human race, with no moral principles. They tend to chatter in black, and even when there seems to be no need to catch up with fog and generally mislead people, Pisces cannot be offended by this, their hellish pangs of conscience are a common thing, and sometimes they suffer to the heap and for that which they didn’t do.
They tend to idealize people, and then resent them for being ugly. They can suddenly begin to take revenge on the world around them, abstractly and not childishly. They are touching in their illusions, and even when they turn out to be traitors, you still unwittingly forgive them for their global inability to live in our material world.