Funny Horoscope Of The Old Maid. What Kind Of Old Maids Are They According To The Zodiac?

And in winter, and in summer, and in spring, and in autumn – a time of open feelings, sweeping away all barriers and unconcealed passions on the path of love. They usually give astrological advice on how to find a friend or how to maintain an existing relationship. However, there is a category of women (of course, you do not belong to this category, but some of your friends certainly do) who behave as if they want to remain old maids (in this context, “Virgo” is not a sign of the Zodiac)! If, after reading the horoscope, you urgently want to meet a man, consider my task completed. Funny horoscope of the Old Maid.

ARIES (21.03. – 20.04.)

OWENIHA needs to watch the movie “NEW AMAZONS”. It is advisable to enter into the role of AMAZON, who is proud and happy in her solitude, and not leave the intended image during the period of so-called “antipathy towards the opposite sex.” Shouting on the street: “It’s better to be alone all my life than a minute with you!” Remember to emphasize your aloofness at every opportunity. Aries is the most self-motivated sign of the Zodiac. You tell yourself – I’m alone a few times in the morning before eating, and it will work.

TAURUS (21.04. – 21.05.)

It is strictly not recommended for a CALF to go to a company where there will be at least one person – a man, even 86 years old, without hair and a little deaf. Reassure yourself that nothing interesting will come of this meeting, you will only wear out your nerves and lose your voice. It’s better to spend a free evening in the circle of lovely friends, and neighbors in the “communal apartment” and find out some new savory recipe for cakes, preferably without erogenous ingredients, eat them before bed, and feel the thrill of going to bed in a cold bed well-fed. Bullfighting is from a matriarchy when a Woman goes out to fight a Bull – wearing red, angering all the surrounding bulls.

GEMINI (22.05. – 21.06.)

Instead of a husband, a GEMINI woman  should get a dog, a cat, a turtle, a parrot, a hippopotamus, a crocodile: anyone who could brighten up her “happy loneliness.” In short, exchange one animal for another animal. In extreme cases, the following feminist recipe helps: get yourself a friend who, if possible more attractive than you, freer, and better dressed than you. Trust her in everything, spend all your free time with her, and go visit these animals – men! Let them love her, not you. Your weapon: apt words that should strike on the spot: “Where were you, what did you do, why didn’t you call, wash your hands, you’ll have lunch, why aren’t you hungry, did you get drunk somewhere”? “Bore your opponent” with questions, and most importantly, do not try to get an answer to them.

CANCER (22.06. – 22.07.)

RAKINYA must go “three miles away” to beauty salons and hairdressers! Allow yourself a little weakness in the form of a daily cake, and under no circumstances wear new clothes – that’s vulgar.

Fashion is back, a grandmother’s blouse from the times of revolutionary anarchy will be suitable to defeat the enemy. And most importantly, convince yourself that no one will pay attention to you anymore anyway.

If you did, your trump card: find out everything in detail about His crazy past, find in your memories a soapy story from kindergarten about how HE pulled the pigtail of the most beautiful girl. And through logical conclusions, you will understand everything about the future with this robber.

LEO (23.07. – 23.08.)

It’s more difficult with LIONES – they still want to please men, hating every last nail on your beautiful right foot. This is nature, you can’t beat it! Surely the following will help: create an image for yourself as an “independent intellectual”, with the mightiest of this world (ha-ha), be as arrogant, independent, and free as possible, and respond to any attempt at flirting with a sonorous “lion’s roar”. At worst, create a matriarchy: don’t contradict, don’t make people angry, obey everything, and live according to the schedule. It won’t last more than three months! The lioness is a big fan of salons and receptions for ladies: open your club of “increased aversion to the male population.”

VIRGO (24.08. – 23.09.)

VIRGO should live in the happy confidence that there is one ideal man, that half who was created only for you. He is waiting only for you, but the truth is somewhere in Papua New Guinea, weaving a marriage bed from fern and bamboo, beating a tambourine, and jumping over a fire.

And never deviate from your ideals regarding the character, appearance, and financial capabilities of the expected “prince”. He will gallop on his white horse, after 77 years, but he will gallop.

LIBRA (24.09. – 23.10.)

It is extremely difficult for LIBRA – until the age of 51, the possibility of such a “terrible event” as marriage remains, and with it a secret fear of a male monster.

“Love is a horror film,” you often say, and without casting or selection, you give the role of Kruger into the hands of a man, several times throughout your life.

Carefully guard the family heart of your friends, advise from the outside, then maybe you will be lucky and “trouble”, in the form of marriage, will sweep by. Always weigh your decisions, “measure twice and cut once.”

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)

As soon as SCORPIO believes in platonic love, the number of men per capita who endlessly twirl for no specific reason will noticeably decrease.

Forget about the sexy, demonic look, the mini skirt, and tell the man you like about your employment, work, hobbies, and how tired you are, ask him to wash the dishes, and go to the store for bread. As soon as the door slams behind him, know: you will no longer see either bread or circuses.

SAGITTARIUS (11/23 – 12/21)

A SAGITTARIAN must go to the ends of the earth to escape male influence. Sometimes it works. The best location is an uninhabited island.

Change passwords and appearances, and understand in the manner of clothing: a short skirt has no prospects. In the color of your clothes, pay attention to cold, repulsive tones – gray and brown.

Several times a month, arrange a “morning of the Streltsy execution.” Turn the arrows of the Cupid in the other direction – you can love not only men, but the Motherland, the Fatherland, and cultivate in yourself feelings of patriotism and female solidarity.

CAPRICORN (22.12 – 20.01.)

CAPRICORN has the most critical age – 28-30 years old, not before, not after, she is not interested in love, but at 28 something like this happens to her, feelings awaken, and she can behave like an eighth-grader in a lesson on human anatomy: turn pale and blush from new knowledge.

It is then that she can get married and begin an orderly family life. During this period, avoid men and do not doubt the correctness of your life principles: “I sit high – I look far away” and “Airplanes come first, and everything else comes to old age”: On the contrary, let the whole world adapt to you.

Funny horoscope of the Old Maid. AQUARIUS (21.01. – 19.02.)

AQUARIUS should manage her personal life and free time exactly as they write in novels about old maids: get-togethers with friends walks with her niece, dinner in front of the TV screen, tears over a soap novel, and general cleaning on the weekend.

The freedom of Aquarius should manifest itself not in free relationships with the male sex, but in the life principle: “I do what I want.” And you know, there is also a brilliant phrase born from the lips of this lady: “Take me as I am.”

PISCES (20.02. – 20.03.)

Well, FISH is a song, a fairy tale. They are always late for dates, they forget everything – they have to go back for nail polish or lipstick, they are constantly hiding something, there must be something secret in their relationship: “I am such a mystery”! Try me and guess.

There is only one piece of advice: be firmly convinced that you are destined to be alone all your life. The pessimism that has taken possession of you will do its job and will inevitably lead to defeatist moods, which, like your sad appearance, you can be sure, will scare away any man.