Aries(March 21 – April 20)
Your most horrible secret: You haven’t gotten anything right your whole life
You have earned whatever you have in your life by cheating. Even during a trivial game against your own child. And with that I said it all!
Taurus(April 21 – May 21)
Your worst secret: You firmly believe that you are the most beautiful person in the world.
In fact, not just the most handsome person you know, but the most beautiful anyone knows. You believe in it so strongly that it’s almost as if you’re sorry Angelina Jolie can’t live up to you.
Gemini(May 22 – June 21)
Your worst secret: You give up on people in your life for the shallowest reasons on earth.
Sure, you could tell your friends that you dumped your ex because he didn’t text you back, but the truth is that you dumped him because you didn’t approve of his perfect mate profile. You left him because he had boxers from the company you hate, admit it!
Cancer(June 22 – July 21)
Your worst secret: You don’t like any of your friends. Seriously.
You actually find yourself at parties wondering how these people snuck into your life. Although you’ve considered cutting ties with some of them, you’ve realized that hating them gives you a kind of sick satisfaction, so you keep them around.
Leo(July 22 – August 22)
Your worst secret: You’re jealous of everyone.
It doesn’t matter what someone has or doesn’t have, you are jealous of them. And this jealousy runs so deep that you often think of ways to get your hands on the things you want. You really thought about pushing someone down the stairs for this. Don’t let things get out of hand, that’s what we’re telling you!
Virgo(August 23 – September 22)
Your worst secret: You’ve never given a sincere compliment.
Every compliment you’ve ever given in your life has been a total lie. Case in point: when your friend asked you how she looked on her wedding day, you naturally told her she looked gorgeous. But deep down? In the depths of the soul, where the truth is hidden, you likened her to a snowman.
Libra(September 23 – October 22)
Your worst secret: You’re a callous manipulator and you’re proud of it.
You can convince anyone of anything, and you will do so if it benefits you. Also, the worst part about you is that you’re not even sorry for doing it, you’re proud of your manipulative skills. In any case, you can’t boast about this horrible secret.
Scorpio(October 23 – November 21)
Your Most Horrible Secret: Honestly, you have too many horrible secrets.
So, starting with that idea, try to pretend you’re human and care, okay? The rest of us will do our best to stay away from you.
Sagittarius(November 22 – December 21)
Your worst secret: You once stole from someone.
You’re not sure what happened at that point, all you know is that even though he didn’t need the money, you wanted to see what it was like to steal from someone, so you did.
Capricorn(December 22 – January 19)
Your worst secret: You’re crazy about revenge.
Your view of revenge is so cruel, so heartless, yet so meticulous that you have committed dozens and dozens of acts of revenge and no one has ever realized it was you. In fact, your ex-best friend who kissed your boyfriend has no idea who replaced her shampoo with depilatory cream.
Aquarius(January 20 – February 18)
Your worst secret: You’ve slept with most of your friends’ partners.
Your rationale, if we can call it that, is that all is fair in love and war. And after all, you only live once! But in your defense, if you know you did something wrong, you never go back for round two. It’s still something!
Pisces(February 19 – March 20)
Your worst secret: Lying to please yourself.
You’re that person who, if a co-worker comes into the office crying about their cat dying, cheers them up by telling them your brother died (and you don’t even have a brother). If you see an opportunity to lie to gain sympathy, you will. You don’t really have a reason for it, but you’ve discovered that in addition to making yourself nice, you get a free meal.
